I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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