You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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