I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
