You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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