Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
