I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
