She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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