I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
