Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
