You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
