i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
