operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
