Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
