In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
