tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
