Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Come see our sink grown plant.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
