What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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