sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
