let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
