Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
