I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
