my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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