she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
