I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Randomize
