$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
