Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
