it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
