her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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