Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
