So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
