i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
soo... how was my night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
