You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
