Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
