I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
