i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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