When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
