I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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