i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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