someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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