Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
