Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
