did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think my mom watched the whole time
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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