happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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