nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
