last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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