I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
