I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
