You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
