He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
