I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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