someone threw a dead crab at me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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